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How to be a more efficient asshole

Sometimes you just have to be an ass to somebody. Learn how to increase your douche factor in an instant when needed.

Tired of being a "nice guy"? Worried that you're not enough of a douche? Well, here are some tips on how to increase your inner asshole, and learn new ways to treat other people like shit.


  • never use turn signals
  • make sure to talk on your cell phone as you drive, texting is also highly encouraged
  • crank the music up REALLY high when you drive late at night in suburban neighborhoods
  • speed up and slow down your car to exactly match the car in the lane next to you so that absolutely nobody can pass
  • never slow down to stop on yellow lights, instead floor it


  • order your food in whatever language you "think" the waiter can speak, especially if you don't speak any foreign languages
  • snap your fingers when you want the waiters attention, they love that
  • order your food for your date, if she questions your judgment utilize the complimentary buns on the table and her mouth in a fashion that best suits you
  • answer any calls on your cell phone, no matter who it is

Public Spaces

  • carry around a giant stack of bills, really flash it around
  • make fun of anybody with a foreign accent or speech impediment
  • litter and spit on the ground as much as your can
  • be sure to fart in an elevator if you have the reserves in your colon

Clubs / Bars

  • don't waste your time with beer or high balls, stick with rye, you'll see dramatic results
  • the louder you can be, the better
  • when around women, use the 'C' word as often as possible, it's one of their favorites